dark and twisted vs bright and shiny

my last post was soo lame by all standards. that's because for the past few days, ive been on a rut. sucked inside a black hole of misery. i promised to post airsoft pix but since the guy in charge of updating our airsoft forum hasn't uploaded the pix yet (yes people, we all have day jobs, and we play airsoft like mad everytime time permits cuz we're airsoft addicts like that) so for now, il regale you on the recent boring life of an overworked and depressed corporate carabao (yeah, i like that term…corporate carabao…love it).

first, a confession. ive been AWOL from work for 5 days. i stayed holed at my mom's place watching GAME KNB? and  Betty La Feya and those cheesy soaps mother love to watch during the sleepy afternoons. i stuff myself endless with my mom's cooking and sleep my eyes out till almost evening where i had to push myself home to await my Be's arrival from work. during all that time, ive been thining and rethinking the type of carreer i have. call center is no joke. we don't sit on our asses all day and wear our throats dry. we actually deal with problems…software malfunction, irate customers and endless ranting and bitching and raving of unsatisfied homo sapiens from halfway around the world. no wonder i myself am a ranting and raving bitch during my mundane moments. in short, im tired. im so stressed out i had to fight to keep my sanity intact. but because ive recently experieced what i call my semi-insanity moment, i dint report to work, dint call or text any of my workmates or supervisors and turned off my cellphone most of the time. i was awaiting termination. ive had it. im so over it. i emailed my dad on the 3rd day of isolation and detailed to him how depressed i am and how sick i am of my job and that would he please, pretty please, take me away from here. his reply the next day was a stunner. i quote, verbatim:

It’s bad to hear that nothing happened with your sacrifices in that company. Don’t resign yet until you find another suitable company to transfer with, and then use that as a bargaining leverage against your present company. Once you are in such position to bargain, give them a ‘TAKE IT OR LEAVE” only choice. For now, you have no option but to persevere, and don’t forget that it’s easier to look for another job while still EMPLOYED. For now, try to just take it easy. Your worrying will not help you in any way. Relax and try to be composed and avoid being problematic because you are still very young, smart, and lot of future ahead of you!

i almost burst into tears after reading his email. typical of my papa. always the silver lining on my dark clouds. always the sunshine that bursts into my stormy days. always the fighter. always the best friend who seemed to know the exact words to say whenever im ready to give things up.

so yeah, im sticking…but only for now. come monday, il be calling in to follow-up on that interview i did not show up to and to check if that Trainer position is still open at that other company.

im moving on.

second, i almost bailed out on me and my Be. bailed out as in packed my bags at 10 in the evening and ready to take a hike under the rain  and eventually throw away 3 years of laughter, pain, happiness and dreams…with a wedding in the works in about 8 months and a solid relationship that already forged 2 families together in danger of going down the drain…

why? its complicated.

what's the keyword? almost.

so after almost 3 hours of crying and bashing and screaming and more crying and anger and throwing hurtful words at each other, i resolved to stay put. it was difficult…it was heart-wrenching and a scene that you can almost tear out from a romance novel. we were both hurting. we were both angry. i was ready to give it all up but he was not. i guess it was all the stress from work, the wanting to get away from it all that's finally hurting not only my sanity but my relationship with my Be. so insane as i was, it was a blessing that he wasn't. so after almost 3 hours of rage, there was peace. although we haven't resolved it 100% yet, we're working on it. there's not much hugging and kissing after this fight, but there's definitely understanding.

we're moving on.

so there you have it. everything's so complicated and scary for me for the past few days. ive become a dark and twisted Meredith Grey. i don't want to be dark and twisted. i wanna be bright and shiny Meredith Grey. bright and shiny.