the dreaded 3 D’s

its April! my month! my birthday's in 2 weeks…gah another reason not to act like a 7 year old.

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dint go to work for 4 days. was sick again. i guess that whole diet thing has weakend my immune system so im taking precautions this time (read: vitamins). but underneath the on/off fever, nausea and migraine i know the real reasons for feeling like crap: im am DEPRESSED, DEMOTIVATED and DEAD-TIRED.

Depressed. im having this phase again. a feeling that my life faced a dead end. i try to envision my future and all i see is me married, with a kid and still enslaved in some office prison that is slowly eating up my spirit. that, or me managing a modest business that is definiely light years away from the Zobels or Sy's who also manage their own businesses and get to live on top of the world. i remember when i used to see myself as a succesfull carreer woman whose on top of her game. someone who does not have time to be depressed because work is too much fun to feel depressed. im not ranting, im just saying. or better yet, im trying to wake up my old self whose been on a very long slumber. i don't blame anybody on why ive become like this. there may be people and instances that has driven me to my current condition but im not an ignorant 6 year old. i should have snagged the wheel and drove through life on my own. i think il finish my driving lessons. i want to drive through life again, with me on the wheel.

Demotivated. you know the feeling when you try so hard, so fuckin hard that it breaks your heart to see all you've worked for shunned away because still, its not good enough? or you suddenly feel that things are becoming sunshinier because hey, the clouds has finally parted but after a few seconds a looming storm suddenly steals your sunshine? or when you finally get to enjoy something you loathe doing because somebody has finally motvated you in amazing ways but in the end, that somebody was snatched away because damn, you seem to be enjoying too much? bottomline is in this world, there are definitely a few good men left. hateful power trippers…

Dead-tired. im sick of all these. i want to work and feel like ive come to work and be useful and not come to work and feel like im a freakin' african slave driven to endless suffering because some first world country thinks that they're too great to lift a finger so we slaves must cover up their asses. but i don't want to go on and on telling the world howi hate my job cuz yeah it pays well and yeah there are millions of others who are still clamoring to have a decent paying job. so il stop now. bu want the workd to know that im dead-tired. when i die, i wanna be reincarnated as a table dog, a cute and fluffy Shi Tzu who lazes away all day. that would be the life.